Everything? Like marriage? Making a family? The audacity! He thinks he knows me so well!
I realized that the problem wasn’t that entirely. The problem was that I didn’t know him. All I knew about him was from his previous life, and that wasn’t much. I didn’t even know he was capable of killing another person. I had no idea what kind of a person the Grand Duke of Glouster was.
In our previous life, I was always waiting for him. I was always looking for excuses to meet him. He showed no interest towards me. He called me a psychopath! Does he think everything is forgotten just because our situation and our class in society has changed? Does he think it is so great of him to say ‘I killed someone to avenge you so marry me’? Does he think I will be charmed and accept him? Maybe in my previous life that would have worked but not here. Not in this life. I had other things to do.
“I just… don’t really understand him,” I rubbed my eyes.
“Don’t you feel some sense of closeness to him? He’s the only person who knew your old self,” asked Alex.
“The old me…”
Serial murderer, hitman, psychopath.
It wasn’t so much that he thought me a psychopath. I thought that too. It didn’t matter. What bugged me was his confession about loving me. I couldn’t figure out why. How could you love someone knowing they are a psychopath? My parents in my old life hadn’t even loved me. So how can he?
He didn’t even know how easily I killed people. When I made my first kill, I had sat there watching. I hadn’t felt any remorse. I hadn’t even felt the shock. That was the time I realized that I had no emotion within me.
I haven’t told him this. His love for me might even change if I tell him.
But that man killed others too. It doesn’t matter what the reasons were, a murder is a murder. There was no way to sugarcoat it.
What do I think about him being a murderer? I don’t know.
“Since the Grand Duke talked about it, I believe in your previous life a bit more,” said Alex. “But he didn’t say anything about why you started killing in the first place.”
I stared at Alex. He looked at me as if he was examining me. “He didn’t tell you?”
“He said it’s something that only you have the right to tell.”
I had assumed that when the Grand Duke told Alex of his previous life, he would have told him everything about my life too.
“I was very insistent to know more but he wouldn’t tell me,” said Alex. “He seems to be a trustworthy person. I was surprised. I thought the Grand Duke just lived with the flow. But he has his principles.”
People used to underestimate him like that back then too. He was a very clever man with sharp observation skills. At least, this part of him hadn’t changed.
So, what changed?
A Grand Duke, that’s what he became. A royalty openly saying he wants to marry me. Did he become bolder and more honest? Or, is this just another way for him to use me in this life?
Of course, there must be many ways to use me still. Marrying the daughter of the Marquess of Wishburn will bring considerable wealth and strong connections. He could leave the Glouster lands and settle on our territory and claim a part of it as his own. Is that why he’s doing all of this? Has he become so cunning?
I wondered about it for a long while. No, that’s not it. I don’t think a person can deceive my eyes so much. It doesn’t matter how much I have changed; I am the same person I was in my previous life. That would mean… he is the same too.
He never used people in such a way. He wasn’t that evil. In our past life, even if he always said he would use me as a police informant, he was always polite and considerate. He had never tried to harm me. He thinks it was his fault I dies but it wasn’t his fault.
But… I felt reluctant of his confessing his feelings towards me. I just can’t seem to trust his words. I hadn’t really built walls around me as much as I had done in my previous life. If I believe. I didn’t want to go through that. I don’t want to be sad and lonely like I was in my previous life. I didn’t want to risk it.
Whether it was love or just plain obsession, it was the emotion I had felt so strongly in my past life. It was a genuine feeling from my heart. He doesn’t know how precious that was for a person who couldn’t feel emotions. Him, appearing suddenly, and declaring his love to me sounded risky. He shouldn’t utter such nonsense so frivolously without understanding what it would mean to me.